Possible Reasons Why People Won’t Talk to Me

(And by people I mean editors. And by talk I mean answers or feedback or some kind of human communication.)
1.
I have grown horns on my head and don’t realize it.
2.
There is only a certain amount of space available in editors’ brains and that space is already taken up by their own deadlines, the writers who [...]

Wanted: Intern/Personal Assistant for Harried Struggling Writer Who Is Too Tired to Handle the Everyday Tasks of Everyday Life

Intern/personal assistant desperately needed to help struggling artist get through day. Tasks include laundry, dishes, shredding thousands of pages of old manuscripts, finding books lost in piles in bedroom because there are no bookshelves, perhaps building and installing bookshelves, dyeing hair, packing lunch for workday at meaningless job that sucks life out of employer, giving [...]

How Easy It Can Be

This is how easy it can be for other people:
1. Decide one day: Hey, I am going to write a novel.
2. Write one draft of novel.
3. Show friends. (Must have friends in order to do this.)
4. Rewrite in, like, two weeks.
5. Decide: Hey, I am ready to get a literary agent.
6. Send book to three [...]

What I Might Need in Order to Rewrite My Novel (Again)

1) A month off from work. I am not exaggerating; that’s how I did the last revision. And not just a month off from my full-time job, it was a month away from the frenzy of New York City, a month away from TV, a month away from the love of my life, which made [...]

The Nothing

This is my inbox:
And staring at it does nothing to help.

In Which the Universe Revolves Around Me

I was telling a coworker today that I think I am being tested.
She leaned in, eyes wide, By who? she said.
I waved my hands to indicate everything and everyone around us.
She whispered: By the Powers That Be here at [Our Company]?
And I’m like, Oh no, I mean the universe. The universe is testing me, not [...]